Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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