I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
