I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
