I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
