So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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