You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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