my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
