he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
