That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.