i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch