Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
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He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.