Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up