she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
