hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
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HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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