I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
