i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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