you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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