Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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