she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
His hands were made for my vagina.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
