i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
