if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
