i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
