Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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