This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
