I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
