the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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