dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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