I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
