I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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