Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
