i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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