My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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