My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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