It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
