I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
