Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
