Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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