Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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