ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
