sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sorry my hands just texted you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
