He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
