Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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