I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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