are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
