maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
