i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
