i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
