the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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