Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
