And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
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They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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