Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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