it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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