we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
