I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
