if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
