chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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