im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
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i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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